November 6, 2008

• death, life, defeat, hope
  

  NEW YORK, NEW YORK | PARK AVE, 17F »

  it’s been a while since i last wrote.  since then, so much travel, so many emotions. 

  i arrived into a rain-trodden new york several hours ago, coaching to grand central station before settling into a tastefully decorated midtown apartment with a friend i first roomed with at the labadi beach hotel in accra, ghana.  we spent the evening searching for my favorite k-town restaurant on 35th street, a place that happens to serve chinese food and–to my dismay–had closed 30 minutes prior to our finally discovering it.  instead we caught up over more traditional fare at the neighboring 24-hour han bat, updating each other on work, school, love, and the rest.  these next few days will find me reuniting with old friends and colleagues, recounting memories of a dear and beloved friend, and driving around the state in search of the perfect fall foliage–that is, if the storms let up.

  it’s been an exhausting start to my second year in business school.

  returning from my packed summer schedule of minneapolis-dubai-bangalore, i rushed into my fourth (and not-so-ambitious) academic quarter without a place of my own.  i found myself growing increasingly busy with extracurriculars, catchings-up in both palo alto and san francisco, and critical life questions such as: where will i be next year, and will the important people in my life approve?

  a nice, healthier-than-last-year buzz began to develop by week three or so, and i noticed the reassuring return of choices well-made, regrets non grata.  the year was forming a nice and welcome balance: my classes were intriguing and enriching, relationships narrowing and deepening, and i was looking forward to the things yet to come–treks to northern africa (thanksgiving) and south america (winter break), commitments to a warm-n-friendly south tahoe share (next quarter) and my inaugural entrée to the 2009 sundance film festival (mlk weekend), and slowly-but-surely solidifying plans to go abroad for a few years post-mba.  all seemed fine and well and upward.

  then, tragedy struck.

  on friday, october tenth, three classmates–including one fabulous and dear friend–never showed up to a weekend retreat in big sur.  those of us at the oceanside cabin became increasingly concerned as we attempted calls and waited without word from the car of three, a jeep that left the same time i did from schwab earlier that evening.  spurred to action, we decided to conduct numerous searches along the curviest stretches of highway 1, stopping every hundred feet or so with flash- and floodlights in hand, screaming their names into the cold, unforgiving midnight air.  with just a few hours until sunrise, we finally retired for the night and considered it best to start again with the light aiding our efforts.

  and it was in that next morning–after temperamental visits to the county sherriff’s office and panicked chases after search and rescue trucks–that we finally found out what happened.  one sharp turn, without a guard rail, both looked and felt suspicious, and it was upon further scrutiny that we discovered the most terrifying sight imaginable: artifact after artifact, the physical storyline of a jeep driven off-road, tumbling down a moderate gradient, and disappearing into the distance to a point some seven hundred feet down.  we had found them–them!–and we bore the great infuration and injustice of having their lives, so full of significance and potential, instantly and unexplainably taken from us.

  i lost about two weeks to the tragedy.  though warmed by people’s reachings out, the community becoming stronger and its response proving healing and inspiring, i could not return to work-life-play in the same way so immediately.  after attending services in new york a week later, i returned to school in a slow and uneasy transition.  suddenly, once fulfilling conversations felt trivial.  passing interactions induced impatience.  forgivable imperfections invited criticism.  behaviors felt uncharacteristic, recovery from grief distant and amorphous.

  but time allowed for healing, and eventually my shock/disbelief-turned-anger/disengagement, turned at last to resolution.  i feel my relationships gaining strength and importance.  i see the value in appreciation, adventure, and solidarity.  i live no longer second guessing, and with less fear.  and i sense a greater purpose, a grander theme.

  at this point i feel better equipped to accept the tragedy and articulate its implications not only for me but also for our communities.  but even as all this happened, life went on–  we elected the first african-american president, constitutionalized discrimination, and saw our portfolios tumble twenty, thirty, forty percent.  my classes went on, and homework went on, and clubs went on.

  and so i began to chip away at my arduously long task list:  deal with health insurance payments, resume delivery of the financial times, run to target for laundry detergent and paper towels (and begrudginly pay the 10-20% industrywide price increases using my freshly disbursed loans)…  print out the schedule for the U line, sign up for winter electives, begin training for patagonia…  it went on, and on, tiring me.

  this week, however, was the first week i felt genuinely close to normalcy–or more accurately–on-top-of-itiveness.  spending multiple days cooped up in a jackson library study room, clomping away on long, six-hour transcontinental flights, and feeding off the love and support of my best friend slash co-habiteur have all served me well, and in the past few days i have noticed consistently legitimate bouts of laughter, humor, and lightheartedness.  despite a few defeats and missteps, a triumphant electoral victory has surfaced some new momentum to tackle even the more daunting of challenges.  i am feeling good–not perfect–but actually pretty good.

  and so it is on that note that i close, along with a video tribute for the three friends we’ll remember forever.  i ask that you please continue to keep the families in your thoughts and prayers.  the accident was almost one month ago, but their lives will be missed forever, and their absence will feel particularly acute as the holidays arrive.  chris, i hope you know we are doing everything we can to remember and pay tribute to your life, hopes, and dreams.  we miss you and love you so much.

  hope everyone is well.  if anyone’s up for hanging out in new york, do let me know!  i’m here through sunday morning with a fairly open schedule.

  • 2:20 am
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